Does someone care to read a TRUE story and tell me their opinion on it? Thank you!?
I wrote this story about me on a camping trip. It is a true story. The five stars (*****) is the guy I like, and the name blocked out (*name blocked out*) would be me. And lastly, ^^^^^^ would be one of my camping friends. If you would please rate it out of 10. (5/1-, 10/10, etc.) Thank you!!!!! PS: this is just the beginning of the story! And take it mildly. Not too harsh, not to easy. I am a 12 year old, turning 13 in a few days.
Have you ever heard of love at first sight? Like, when a girl sees a guy or a guy sees a girl and at that very moment, you know that they’re the one?
Well meet me, *Name blocked out*. The blonde haired, blue eyed, good-styled, pretty girl. A lot of the time, I don’t feel confident about my body, seeing I am 12 years old and weigh 118 pounds. But when you look at me, I don’t look fat, I look like an average weighted person.
My mom and I were strolling in our car on the way to Canyon Lake, where we go camping every year during Christmas time. The windows were rolled down and my boob-length hair was swaying all over my face, getting stuck on my glossy lips. The scenery was beautiful, there were red mountains with the sun peeking behind their brown tinted edges.
But the best part was the weather. It was perfect. There was a slight 70 degree breeze and the shady mesquite trees peeked over the car, making the perfect shade canopy.
“Are you excited?” My mom wondered, making me practically jump straight out of my seat.
“Yeah. But who all is coming?” I wondered, sticking my arm out the window and trying to make it touch the branches on the rim of the mountainside.
“The ——–‘s, the ———-’s, the —–’s, and the ———’s.” Mom said. “And Steven has his girlfriend coming with him.”
Steven was the ———’s oldest son, about 18 years old. In my head, I wondered how can he have a girlfriend when, he is so ugly!
“And —- ———’s friend is coming. *****, you remember him, right?” Mom wondered, clutching tighter to the steering wheel.
“Yeah.” I said, having completely no interest.
Oh boy but how I wish I had interest. When we arrived, there were two boys sitting on a wooden log about 20 feet long. Their heads were turned toward a campfire to heat there have-to-be-20-degree-cold-hands. I slammed my door as loud as I could when I stepped out to make their heads possibly turn this way. Before they could look, I quickly checked my outfit. Great. My gray skinny jeans were scrunched at the bottom and my blue “rock” shirt was resting slightly over the zipper.
To my surprise, —- and ***** turned around. Wow. I almost died. *****’s brown, soothing eyes practically shouted “I’m so hot”. Which was totally true. He was so hot. Way more than that at least. But I never had noticed it ever until now. Through all the times he was at the super bowl parties we had every year I barely noticed him.
^^^^^^ walked over with her stupid Tigger “Santa” hat and her plain jeans and Kermet the frog shirt. So tacky. How can she be so stupid to embarrass herself with the stupid looking hats like that.
“Hey.” I said, walking over to her above the curb.
“Hi.” She said shortly, smiling and wobbling back and forth like she always does. How stupid, she never goes for a change.
I never try to be mean about her in my head, but she practically wears the same thing every day. Wears her stupid, ugly, croc flip flops. And her hair is always unbrushed and un-thoughtfully pulled into a low pony tail. She never changes. And you would think and 8 year old would know better. But she is still a really nice friend.
“*Name blocked out*, look at this awesome tree over there.” She said, pointing across the grass field.
“Oh, that’s so cool, let’s go climb on it!” I laughed, taking a peek over where ***** and —- were. They were gone. I sighed a sad sigh, and swiped a smile on my face.
We ran to the tree and jumped up onto the first branch which was 3 feet long and 3 feet thick. I ran way up to the top of the first branch and sat there, so tired of all the running.
I think you should think of some false names to represent the **’s and ^^’s. It would be much easier and smoother to read, and since we don’t know these people personally, no one would know the difference.
How is my story so far? Im 14 but answer me like im twice that ok?
A cool gentle breeze blew by a beautiful Victorian house with crisp red paint peeling off the siding. Behind this house two dark colored geese dive for food in a small lake half-covered with lily pads.
Light laughter is heard from an open window with small white curtains and an oversized windowsill.
A very stressed old lady paces back and forth in her bedroom murmuring to herself. Her husband sitting on the bed looks up at her with shame. She looks back at him, rolls her eyes, and strides back out the door
.A young boy and his sister sit in the front yard looking at the clouds. The girl is about 6 years old with light brown hair and a white dress slightly too small.
The boy is much older most likely 14 or 15 but is similar in appearance of the girl leaning on him. He has dark brown hair and green eyes. He is wearing a blue shirt that says Rhode Island Summer Camp across the upper chest, and plaid shorts with a rip on the right leg.
“Lucy want to go for a swim?” said the boy, his voice barely audible. “Ya” the girl named Lucy replied. She stands up and begins walking towards the side of the grand house. “Hold on get your bathing suit, you’re not going swimming in your clothes” the boy said a bit louder this time. “Where is my bathing suit is it on the clothesline?” Lucy asked. The boy, distracted, ignored the voice of the 6 year old involuntarily. “Peter” said the girl as she looked over her shoulder. The boy the girl called Peter looked up and said “Wha..what?” “Where is my bathing suit?” Lucy asked once more. “Um…hanging up” said Peter, still slightly distracted.
Lucy ran up to the side of the house and began fiddling with the clothespins as Peter slowly walked towards the lake. Lucy, grasping her bathing suit runs inside.
Peter finally reached the lake and now is sitting perched up against a large rock. To an outsider it would look as if he were staring at the geese feeding in the lake.
But as the young girl ran up she knew something was wrong. “Peter” she says as she finally reaches him slightly panting. “Ya?” he replies. “What’s wrong are you sad?” the girl asked dreading the answer. His reply would be no I am fine but both of them know that he is unhappy with the foster home they live in.
“No I’m fine, just a little tired; you ready for a swim?” he says smiling. “Ya let’s go Mrs. Burson said not to swim for too long or you’re not eating dinner” said Lucy ignoring the fact that her brother lied to her. “Oh don’t listen to her I’ll be back in a second I gotta go get my bathing suit, don’t go in the water till’ I get back K?” said Peter.
He began to walk towards the house, as Lucy spotted an old tree growing out of the water ideal for climbing. Lucy, curious as one could be looks back at her brother running towards the house. She looks back and decides that she is confident with her swimming ability, for it was not the tree was not that far out nor was the lake too deep.
She entered the chilly water with bare feet and her moderately new bathing suit. She began swimming, at first doing a half doggy paddle half breast stroke. She had no trouble moving through the water but then she started to realize that the tree was farther then she thought.
He body began to grow tired and she decided to head back. As she was turning around she felt something rubbing against her lower right leg. She broke into her own kind of crawl and swam as fast as she could. The thing that rubbed against her became slightly visible to her it was swimming just as fast as her and then suddenly grabbed her foot.
“Help! Peter! Help!” she screamed. She tried as hard as she could to shake the hand off but with no success. It was not pulling her under but wouldn’t allow her to move.
“Lucy!” Peter yells as he sees her struggling. He runs as fast as he can towards the lake. The cold hand pulls the girl under. She wastes her last breath on screaming and the hands grip tightens and pulls her farther under.
She struggles and sucks in water but with no success does she break free. Peter reaches the lake and jumps in and swims almost expertly with great speed. He comes to where Lucy went under and takes a deep breath and flips over and swims under.
The young girl’s foot is released and she floats up to the surface barely conscious. The human like figure is visible again and swims in front of Peter.
Peter not knowing Lucy was free continues searching desperately but when the thing crosses in front of him it grabs him by the ankle and pulls him under, the same as it did with Lucy, but with greater force.
He fights as hard as he can but the monster is still winning. He tries to get a look at the thing but the water is too murky and dark to see anything. He continues struggling and finally breaks free.
At this point he had run out of
i know the point of veiw kinda sucks it keeps switching im gonna fix that but just grade me on the writing itself
this is the rest of it after the (at this point he had ran out of…of oxygen and was gasping for more but only water surrounded him. He almost reaches the surface but the monster grabs him by the ankle once more.
Peter is pulled down again and then finally passes out due to lack of oxygen. The fleshy hand disappears along with Peter’s motionless body.
haha i didnt realize the thing about narnia
Plus the only character thats gonna be in the rest of the book is peter
You change tenses in your first paragraph. Then you do it again later. Pick a tense and stick with it.
You introduce us to these two old people and then don’t do anything with them. Why is she stressed; why is he ashamed?
You’re doing a lot of scene-setting but not doing so well with the character introductions. Too much description, not enough action; I don’t care what they’re wearing unless it has something to do with the plot or says something interesting about them as a character. And then when the boy speaks, you don’t put a comma after Lucy’s name, so it looks like he’s addressing her in the third person. If that’s what you were going for, then fine, but right now it just looks like an error.
When a new person speaks, they get a new paragraph. You have a lot of technical errors here, and, frankly, it wasn’t interesting enough for me to do more than skim to the end. Sorry. :/
Is this a good start for a story?
“Have fun on your trip baby”, mom said joyfully as I put my bags into the back of my dad’s truck. It was our annual father son camping trip we have every year, and this year was going to be the best yet. I was so excited about it I packed a week ahead! There was something about spending time with my dad that just always made me excited. As a child when I had a problem I usually went to my dad. Not that I didn’t love my mom, but dad was like a hero to me. So as I hopped into the truck my mom made sure to give me the biggest hug. I was happy about going on the trip, but it’s always a tough time leaving my mom by herself. She was getting old, and couldn’t do the things she use to do. She would always try to make me feel better by telling me she was going to be alright, but that never really helped. As we drove off she gave me a big smile hoping to make me feel better. From our house to where we camped wasn’t that far maybe just about a hour trip. So to make time go by fast I took about a thirty minute nap, and the last half of the ride dad try to give me as many pointers as he could on how to be safe. As we drove near the campgrounds something felt wrong, and unusual. It was something I never felt before. It was like an aching pain in my stomach. I told dad, and he told me I was just excited, but I couldn’t believe that. There was a faint sound that whispered in my ear “Go back this isn’t safe!” It was so frightening! I tried to get my mind off of everything, but the voice wouldn’t go away. As we parked and got our bags out I found something on the ground. At first I couldn’t tell what it was so I asked my dad. He wiped of the mud on it, and said “Well this is a wallet and its full of cash, but no ID.” Who would leave a wallet full of cash at a campground I thought. My dad wasn’t a thief so he wasn’t going to take the money. He just told me we would take it to the police when we get back from our trip. Night was coming close, and things were really getting weird there was the voices, the wallet, and the strange pain in m stomach. My dad started a fire and we sat by it to cool off. We roasted some hot dogs for supper, and went swimming in the lake near by. The moon was shinning bright, and we were about to go to bed when we heard somebody scream. My dad ran as fast as he could to where the noise came from, and all he found was a note lying in the ground. It was to dark to read the note where we were so we went backed to the campgrounds, and when we got back we saw a terrifying sight. Everything was missing! The tent, the wallet, and the truck. The campfire had been put out. So all we had was some spare food, and a flashlight. My dad got the flashlight out, and opened the note. The note said “Leave now!” That’s when I started to get really scared. How could’ve a camping trip turn into a nightmare. My dad tried to calm me down by telling me don’t worry everything is going to be alright. “No nothing’s going to be alright everything is ruined!”, I screamed back at my dad. My dad pulled a blanket out of his backpack, and walked to a tree and put the blanket down. “This is where we will be sleeping tonight.”, my dad said to me, but I had no need to talk to him anymore I was already to upset. As I laid there I tried to forget all that had happened. This was suppose to be a fun camping trip not a nightmare. It seemed as if I was just about to close my eyes when I started to smell smoke. I got up and began to look around. At first I couldn’t see anything, but soon it was as clear as day to me. It was a fire! I stared for a second at the burnt red blazes as they filled my body with fear. I woke my dad up, and we began to run. Jumping over branches, tree stumps, and rocks just trying to make some distance between us and the fire. “Stop!”, a voice exclaimed. I looked behind me, and saw a man dressed completely in black. He was holding my dad. He pulled out a small gun, and just laughed. I heard three gun shots then everything went black.
It is kinda fast on-going.
I mean the scenes.
At first a calm story about a boy and his dad camping comes clear.”We roasted some hot dogs for supper, and went swimming in the lake near by.” but the suddenly,without no tense..no..intro .. ” The moon was shinning bright, and we were about to go to bed when we heard somebody scream. My dad ran as fast as he could to where the noise came from, and all he found was a note lying in the ground. It was to dark to read the note where we were so we went backed to the campgrounds, and when we got back we saw a terrifying sight.”.
But overall the I like the idea,though a litle cliched.
It is a nice start,coloured with words.A litle edgy,but It is a great start ^^
What do you think of my personal narrative and what can I do to improve it?
Any title ideas would be great!
Vibrant shades of pink, orange and red painted the sky, darkening as the sun sunk lower into the horizon. My older cousin David and I had been out fishing all day. Considering we had cheap and limited equipment, catching only 6 fish seemed like quite an accomplishment. The day had been mildly hot but as night took over, it was becoming increasingly chilly. Stars came into view, surrounding a full moon, which reflected on the lake. David started up his motorboat.
We didn’t go as fast as we would have during the day because the small boat had no light and we didn’t think to bring one. The loudness of the motor might bother people, but besides our little camp there was no one around for miles, I’m sure. The natural light from the moon and stars only illuminated parts of the water, so it was very difficult to see anything more than five feet ahead of us. If I wasn’t so worried about getting lost on our way back to camp, or crashing into some unseen obstacle, the scenery would have been quite enjoyable. I was cold; and miserable.
After what I thought to be about a quarter of the way back to our campsite, I noticed that the wind had gotten a little harsher and its direction changed so that it was blowing towards the shore on our right. It was foolish not to bring any extra clothing; goose bumps covered my exposed arms and legs, and I could feel the cold air right through my t-shirt and shorts. David shivered violently, just as unprepared for the cold evening as I was. Droplets of water landed on my face, falling slowly at first, but completely soaking us only moments later.
In a hurry to get out of the accumulating storm, my cousin acted on impulse and sped up. I was grateful for the enhanced speed, except that the cold air rushing at us and blowing back my drenched hair was extremely unpleasant. This didn’t last long, however, because the propeller unfortunately broke off when it hit a rock that was barely visible, half hidden beneath the dark water. We tried to fix it, but our attempts were futile because it was completely bent out of shape.
Luckily, there was an emergency set of paddles in the boat! At first, we were making great progress towards our site. But when the waves got higher and lashed even harder against us, it became a quite a challenge. We were beginning to fear for our lives. The safest thing to do was make it to shore. It wasn’t too far to the right and since that was the direction the water was tossing us in, we got there sooner than I’d hoped for.
Relieved to be on solid earth, I instantaneously leaped out the side of the boat. I slipped on the slimy mud and landed in a puddle, on my face. Because I was already so soaked it really didn’t make a difference to me, except something sharp in the ground sliced a stinging cut on my left leg. It wasn’t deep, but it was bleeding like crazy and ran from my knee to my ankle. It could be worse though. Now all we had to do was hike about 4 miles in the rain… barefoot.
“propelled into darkness” for the title?, lol
Seriously, it’s great, you’re an excellent writer.
The only suggestion I would make is to change ‘I instantaneously leaped out the side of the boat. I slipped on the slimy mud and landed in a puddle, on my face” to “I quickly leapt off the side of the boat onto the slick ground, losing my footing and landing face-first in a cold puddle.”
=) Good luck!
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